Joke, give me jokes

[theGenius]

2 friends meet in a bar, friend 1 seems down.
friend 2: jo whats up?
friend 1: u know i told u about that hot chick that works at the gasstation that i´ve been scared to ask out 4 so long?
friend 2: yeah
friend 1: well, now i did, and she actully said yes, so we were supposed to meet at her place that evening. so i fixed myself up shaved, took parfume got a nice haircut, i even taped my dick to my leg incase i see her and the horndog comes out, so that i wont get embarrest.
friend 2: smart, very carefull of you.
friend 1: so, i went over to her place, she opend the door, and stood there in some hotpans and bh only!
friend 2: wow, nice, what happend then?
friend 1: i kicked her in the face!

 

[chosenonex22]

which one are you in your picture

White Bandanna

 

[theGenius]

a man rides in the back of a taxi, he wants to get the drivers attention so he ticks him on the shoulder,
THE TAXI DRIVER SCREAMS LOUD, looses control over the car, with an inch misses a buss and then spinns on the other side of the road where he barly managed to stop infront of a shop.

``WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, NEVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN`` he screamed

shocked the passanger says: im sorry, i didnt think you would get that scared.

a bit calmer the taxidriver then says:´´ well, i guess the fault is mine, this is my first day as a taxidriver, the past 25 years i have been driving a hearse.[DOUBLEPOST=1391391503][/DOUBLEPOST]sorry this one only works in german:

Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einer Schlange auf der Autobahn und einer im Dschungel?
Bei der auf der Autobahn ist das Arschloch vorne...

 

[MR.N00B!]

a man rides in the back of a taxi, he wants to get the drivers attention so he ticks him on the shoulder,
THE TAXI DRIVER SCREAMS LOUD, looses control over the car, with an inch misses a buss and then spinns on the other side of the road where he barly managed to stop infront of a shop.

``WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, NEVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN`` he screamed

shocked the passanger says: im sorry, i didnt think you would get that scared.

a bit calmer the taxidriver then says:´´ well, i guess the fault is mine, this is my first day as a taxidriver, the past 25 years i have been driving a hearse.[DOUBLEPOST=1391391503][/DOUBLEPOST]sorry this one only works in german:

Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einer Schlange auf der Autobahn und einer im Dschungel?
Bei der auf der Autobahn ist das Arschloch vorne...

I thought it was hilarious lol.

 

[theGenius]

here´s 2 more:
a man and a woman end up in a pretty sirious carcrash with each other, strangly they both go unharmed.
as they got out of their cars the man says:
"look our cars, they are completle shredded, yet we are fine, this must be a sign from god, we must take his sign to heart and get married!"
the woman thinks, the man isnt unattractive, and then says:
"yeah, it must be a sign from god, lets do it!"
the man:
"and look, the winebottle in my backseat is undamaged aswell, it must be a sign from god that he wants us to toast on us!"
the woman agreed, and man passes her the winebottle, quickly she drinks half the bottle and then passes it back to the man, the man reseals the bottle.
the woman asks: "arent you going to drink?"
man:" nahhh, imma wait until the cops were here."



a man sits in the bar and has just finished his beer and wants to leave.
"2,60€ please" says the bartender.
the man counts up 26 10cent pieces and then recklessly throws them over the counter.
pissed but silent the bartender picks them all up.
the next day the same man wants to pay for his beer again, this time he pays with a 5€ bill.
hah, paybacktime thinks the bartender as he counts up 24 10cent pieces and then throws them towards the man.
the 10cent pieces spread out all over the bar!
after short thinking the man then puts another 20 cent on the counter and sais:"i´ll have another beer!"

 

[animal66]

The only way for a couple to enjoy an afternoon 'quickie' with their 8 year old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar & tell him to report on the Street activities.
He began,
'There's a car being towed away',
'Jason is on his skate board',
'The Wilsons are shagging'.
Startled, his mum & dad sat up.
Dad asks 'How do you know they're shagging?'
'Cos little Jimmy Wilson is on his balcony with a Mars Bar!

 

[theGenius]

another 2:

a man bursts into a bar with a heavy black plasticbag.
he slamms the bag on the counter and angry yells: SHOT!!
he gets a shot. sweeps it, slams the bag on the counter and yells: SHOT!!
the bartender serves him another, bottoms up and he yells again: SHOT!
then the bartender asks him: so whats the cause for the frustration?
the man replies: i had won the lottery, but my wife forgot to turn it in!!!
bartender: oh jeez, if my wife did that i would rip her head of!
the man: "DAFUQ U THINK IS IN DA BAG?!?!?!"



a man enters a bar with his cat and orders, 1 beer and a hamburger for my cat please.
bartender serves the order.
a few minuits later the man orders again:"1 beer and a hamburger for my cat please"
this continues for a while, as the bartender serves them the 10th beer and the 10th hamburger he got curious and asked: ok, i have seen a man drink 10 beers before but i never seen a cat eat 10 hamburgers.
the man replied: " well, yesterday i almost ran over a frog, but managed to stop, the frog transfered into a fairy and she granted me 3 wishes. the 1st wish i made was a brand new ferrari."
the bartender looked outside and there was really a brand new ferrari outside the bar.
"the second was unlimited wealth"
and really as the man took a bill out of his wallet it magically got replaced.
" now, she must have gotten something wrong on my 3rd wish, when i said i wanted a insatiable pussy!"

 

[BuckRogers]

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?



Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.



Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?



Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.



I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.



Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.



Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?



I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.



I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

 

[theGenius]

so, a man walks into a bar. outside the bar a horse is standing.
bartender says to the man:
" i give you free drinks for the rest of the evening if you can make the horse laugh."

man walks outside to the horse and returns shortly after, the bartender goes to check on the horse and it really was violently laughing.
next day same man comes into the bar and the bartender challenges him again:
"free drinks if you can make the horse cry today"
the man walks to the horse again and returnes shortly after, bartender checks the horse and it truly is in tears.
now the bartender gets curious and asks the man how he did it.
the man then says:
well, yesterday i told the horse i had a bigger dick then him, today i proved it!

 

[WaLLy]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 

[RagingiHop]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.[DOUBLEPOST=1392353666][/DOUBLEPOST]An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!

 

[The Moment]

Not condoning these jokes, but funny if you can put up with it.

Spoiler: they're offensive/racist in nature.

http://imgur.com/a/D20SC?desktop=1

 

[BuckRogers]

Nah, not very!

 

[animal66]

There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "How funny would it be to do the king of the jungle in the ass?"
After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and just ‘went’ for it. The lion and jumped into the river. He came out of the water, roaring, really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good time to be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he had to think of something quick because he wasn't going to be able to outrun the lion.
That was when the gorilla saw a hunter's tent and ducked inside to hide.
The hunter, reading the paper, was startled and ran out of the tent. The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, so he quickly put on the hunter's spare shirt and hat, and started to read the paper.
A few moments later, the lion ran in and, thinking it was the hunter reading the paper, said, "Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in here?"
From behind the paper the gorilla answered, "You mean the one that screwed the lion in the ass?"
Flabbergasted, the lion said, "Holy Shit! It's in the paper already?"

 

[theGenius]

2 men are going for a hike in the savanna.
they meet, one has traditional hiking shoes and the other brand new runner nikes.
"why did you bring your brand new nikes? kinda a odd choices of shoes for this hiking trip.
the other man replies: "incase a lion comes, i want to be able to run fast"
first man:" i dont think you can outrun a lion whatsoever"
2nd man:" certainly not, but i can outrun you!"

 

[animal66]

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.
It is opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a
Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What the Fuck do you think?"

 

[Storky]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex..."

 

[animal66]

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue, and shit on the carpet."