Joke, give me jokes

[animal66]

Right i could do with a laugh, so i want people to post their jokes in this thread, try not to make it too filthy or disgusting pls.

My attempt.

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God?" as he smiled smugly. ... "Ok," she said. "Those could be interesting topics...but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" ... The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book

 

[Kessa]

wow...thats the first funny religous joke i have ever heard

My Joke:

A Mexican, a Chinese, and a American get stuck on an island and are captured by a tribe. The tribe decides to punish them for trespassing and grabs out the whip.

''What do you want on your back to ease the pain?'' they ask the Chinese man. The Chinese man says ''I want oil.'' So they whip him and he cries from the pain.

They grab the Mexican and ask ''What do you want on your back to ease the pain?'' The Mexican proudly says ''NOTHING!'' So they whip him and the Mexican goes off crying his eyes out.

They then grab the American and ask him ''What do you want on your back to ease the pain?'' The American says ''I want the Mexican''

 

[HIBred]

So this guy says to his doctor"Doc,i think i have a tapeworm"
Dr.:"ok ,tomorrow bring me three apples and a cookie"
GUy brings the items the next day and and the doctor shoves the three apples and the cookie up the mans arse...this goes on for a whole week...
On the fifth day the doc says
"ok, tomorrow bring me three apples and a hammer"
tthe next day the doc shoves the three apples up the guys arse and waits ...
a few minutes later the worm sticks his head out and yells "WHERE THE HELL'S MY COOKIE?!!!"
WHAM!!!

 

[The Moment]

Women's rights...

Kidding kidding

 

[felon]

A Chinaman, an Australian, and an Indian are on a boat that is sinking, and they have to lose a bit more weight, and so they decide to throw away things that there is/are a lot of where they come from. The Chinaman throws out some rice, the Indian some curry, and the Australian throws off the other 2.

 

[Ethan]

Q) Why can't penguins fly?

A) Because their wings are adapted to swim and not to fly.

Q) What did one lawyer say to another lawyer?

A) We're both lawyers

Q) Why can't Chuck Norris divide by zero

A) Because it's impossible

Q)What's worse than finding a worm in you apple?

A)The Holocaust

Anti-jokes

 

[H1pFiR3]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." wn:

 

[malasins]

OK there where 3 guys lost at sea in a boat
The 1st guy saw a bottle and he got it and a genie pops out and says you 3 may have 3 wishes. The 1st guy says he wants to go home to his wife and sons because he misses them. the 2nd guy says he wants to go to his moms house because she is sick and somebody needs to take care of her. The 3rd guy has no parents or family so he wishes that the other 2 guys come back to the boat so he wont be so lonely.

 

[Sodalover]

During a trip, a bus passenger finds a really attractive nun and wants to bone her. He approches her and say:

"I want to have sex with you"

The nun refused, saying she will stay a virgin for the rest of her life. The male bus driver, overhearing the conversation, told the bus passenger that if he wants to bone the nun, come to the bus at midnight, dressed as Jesus. At midnight, the passenger comes to the bus, dressed as Jesus and he finds the nun waiting for him. He proceeds to tell the nun he wants to have sex with her, and she complied. But she told him to do her backdoor since she still wants to stay a virgin.

After finishing, the passenger said:

"Ha, I'm the guy from the bus" to which the nun replied

'Ha, I'm the bus driver'

 

[Kessa]

LMFAO!! n1 soda

 

[The Moment]

Q) Why can't penguins fly?

A) Because their wings are adapted to swim and not to fly.

Q) What did one lawyer say to another lawyer?

A) We're both lawyers

Q) Why can't Chuck Norris divide by zero

A) Because it's impossible

Q)What's worse than finding a worm in you apple?

A)The Holocaust

Anti-jokes

 

[TheDude]

LOL the first funny religious joke you have ever seen?

Wow........

I mean just talking about religion makes me laugh sometimes.

 

[Goss400]

A couple short ones

I bought my son an iPod, my daughter an iPad and my wife an iRon.

A plane was going vertically down into the ocean. A Woman stood up and ripped her clothes off and said " who wants to make me feel like a woman one more time!?!" A man rips his clothes off and says "quick! Iron these for me!"

Q) What did O say to Q?
A) Dude, your dicks hanging out.
Sorry if anyone was offended with the first 2 jokes, no offense intended.

 

[517Houston]

A general called up the motor pool of the base he commanded and when avoice answered "Mota pool," he asked "Do you have any cars?"
"No, suh, a voice answered from the other end of the line. "All we got is olejeeps. And one Cadillac. But that's only for fat-ass ole generals."
The general barked, "Do you know who I am?"
"No, suh, I don't."
And the general spluttered, "I'm the commanding general of this post!"
"Well, suh, do you know who ah am?" asked the voice at the motor pool.
"No, I don't," answered the general, irritated.
"Thah's good, you fat ass ole general.

---------- Post added at 08:51 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:48 AM ----------

What are the hamburgers served in at a KKK picnic?
Hot cross buns.

 

[BuckRogers]

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humour: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other bloody side???

 

[Fusion OG]

2 fishes get in a tank. The second one says to the first one "eyyy yoo dawg, how do ya ride this thang!?"

 

[Rival]

2 Cupcakes were in the oven.
The first one said: "Oh my god, it's hot in here!"
The second one said: "Oh my god, a talking cupcake!"

 

[Sodalover]

How did someone find even found a two year old thread?

 

[Rival]

I didn't even realize this was 2 years old until now

 

[Infinity17]

what do you call a cow without legs?[DOUBLEPOST=1390600072][/DOUBLEPOST]ground beef