Nick,
As far as I knew this man, I loved him. As a begrudging, old fart, whiny asshole as he was, he was a beautiful, wise, caring honest man if I ever knew one. I remember this person, your dad, 517Houston, online and offline, as a dope-ass human being.
For me, an online fool with no real life, he was a bitchy uncle who had more wisdom in his pocket than I was capable of holding in my lifetime. I'm glad that I ''knew'' him, so far as I did. At that time, I didn't have other uncles. I didn't have other voices of reason like your dad. I was quite alone and lost with regard to life and how to live it. In fact, this krew kinda saved me in some respects. For me, his was a really powerful voice. I will never forget it. It lives inside my brain, whether I like it or not. And luckily, he wasn't an asshole, so it is good medicine. Luckily, his is good medicine. Luckily, an ass like me got exposed to a teacher like your dad.
In as wide a voice as I can speak for this group:
Your father is remembered, here. He was here for many of our coming of ages. He spoke wisdom to many deaf ears. He bantered "get off my lawn" to many unprepared and egotistical youths, for whom his words of wisdom still reverberate in their brains, today. Just because we were too stupid to listen or pay attention then doesn't mean it didn't stick. I kid about the "get off my lawn," because I think your dad would understand, but what I mean is he spoke some wiser, harder truths than a lot of us privelaged dumbass whiny kids were ready to hear at our whiny, dumbass, privelaged age, and as I have gotten older, they have made more sense. The good news is he was a good, smart guy, with meaningful shit to say. Strangely, part of my getting older has been remembering some shit your dad has said and reflecting a little more on it.
I remember specifically one time, your dad, never being a moderator (for good reason, and he knew it, too), was in an argument with someone...from South America, I believe, not that it matters. About chaos--about desiring a natural disaster to make their lives more meaningful, as if an earthquake would make life more exciting. The visitor said they longed for emergency situations. Essentially, they said they wished for a meaningful life in the form of disaster, and your father had one of the most poignant responses I have ever seen. I had never seen him so angry and so vocal about it. Years later, it sticks with me.
Your father, who wasn't prone to quick response. But who _was_ prone to "un"-diplomacy.... in this case, had a response that I, to this day, remember, on and off the internet, in my sleep, in my prayers, and in my meditation, without every having met the person or heard his voice, I promise you. It has changed my life:
"Is that really what you want? Have you ever seen a burnt crispy human?
He had many examples. I can't remember his exact words. My point though is that I remember it to this day. And there was nothing any sane human could do but shut the fuck up and listen to your dad at that point. And let me tell you, I listen to this day. I remember the exchange your dad had with some rando S1 player years ago. On my own. Without prompting. On many occasions. It informs who I am to this day. I carry this part of your dad with me wherever I go. It makes me a better person. It makes the world a better place (i hope). I am forever grateful for this little bit of your dad that I was exposed to.
I do not forget your father. As strange as it may seem, I carry him with me everywhere I go. I never met your father. But I am glad to have crossed paths. Because he is part of me, now. I feel responsible to carry that weight.
One thing I can say, for sure, is that your father understood a certain degree of responsibility. That makes him special. To me. I hope that makes him special to other people, too. But for me, I carry that and respect that wherever I go. As strange as it may seem for such a small online connection, this one left reverberations. And I
do remember your father, hopeless shitty camper as he was, wherever I go.
I hope you know that any cod4 shit talk here is out of love... your father was a tube camper (
), but he was, at least, a sane individual, and I know he was a fireman and a father and a familyman. Not to be forgotten. And he won't be, in this camp at least, until my light burns out, as well. You were in good hands nick. I remember you, too. And I'm happy to have seen you grow up and 517 to have fathered you.
I am happy that this little light happened in our little online space. I hope that, despite your loss, at some point you can see that even in the most sparse, disconnected sense (I never saw his face or heard his voice), your father had positive effects on people like me, and I hope that this makes your grieving just a little bit more meaningful.
For me, your father made my life just a little bit more meaningful, and I cherish that, despite how silly it might sound. It is serious, big, and unequivocal for me. I have remembered your dad recently ___without prompting___. I remember your dad when I think of sane human beings hoping for a better world. I remember your dad when I think of old farts being troubled by the ignorant wastings of today's youth (hahaha). I remember your dad when I think of voices of reason. I shit you not.
Nick, you don't have huge shoes to fill. Just caring ones. And the good news is it's in your blood. And we love you. I miss your dad even though I wasn't even here and I've been gone. In fact, and I shit you not, I have missed your dad many times while i've been gone. You're a good human. And I know he would be proud to see you now. Just the fact that you are making it work given todays bullshittery.
Peace and love mr. Nick.
Call any time.
Dude
